For those in the adoption triad, privacy is critical to the development of trust, beginning with one’s decision to place her child for adoption. Lawmakers and advocacy groups focus a great deal of energy on protecting birth and adoption records, yet the issue of privacy still presents a formidable challenge for many in the adoption triad in their everyday lives.
Dealing with Curiosity
For families who adopt, the intrusive questions can start before the child has even been placed in the home. Friends, relatives, coworkers – and even complete strangers – want to know the details. Some might ask, for example, “What do you know about the birthparents and their medical history?”
When the child is older, questions will be posed directly to the adoptee. Children and adults alike will be curious. They might ask, “Who are your real parents and why did they give you up?” In transracial adoption situations, a child might be asked why her skin color differs from that of her parents.
Learning Opportunities for Adoptive Families
While acknowledging it can be unnerving to field these types of questions, adoption advocates encourage parents to take advantage of these situations as a way to model positive behavior for their children. At home, role-playing sessions can provide “practice” on how to deal with real-life situations children and their adoptive families face. These sessions also provide adoptees opportunities to explore their feelings about adoption and how much of their history they want shared with others.
Sherrie Eldridge, an author who was adopted when she was 10 days old, recommends adoptive parents communicate their respect for their child’s privacy early on by making promises to only share information about the adoption with permission and to never introduce her as their “adopted child.”
In her book Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, Eldridge contends parents should refrain from announcing their child as “adopted” outside the family’s inner circle unless it is necessary. Examples of those who might need to know are the child’s physician, psychiatrist or counselor.
“Adopted children feel different because they are different from you, biologically speaking,” Eldridge writes. “They are also different because of the way they became a part of your family. … But accepting, honoring, and appreciating her differences is a far cry from broadcasting them to the whole world.”
Adoption Secrecy Versus Privacy
In the article “Secrecy vs. Privacy in Adoption,” author and adoptive mother Rebecca Gold writes that adoptive parents should talk about adoption openly in order to combat the secrecy and shame that sometimes still overshadow the positive aspects of adoption. Gold asserts children who have been adopted have a right to privacy, which is different from secrecy.
Gold explains, “A secret is something that is kept from someone to whom the information pertains. Privacy involves sharing personal information only with people who have a relevant need to know.” According to Gold, it is the responsibility of adoptive parents to prepare their children with “easy, truthful answers” to the often-intrusive questions posed about one’s personal history.
Many adoptive parents are understandably sentimental about the bittersweet journey that has brought their child home and want to share their joy with others. While adoptive parents should celebrate that journey, they can do so in ways that also respect and value their child’s privacy.
Reference:
Eldridge, Sherrie. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Delta Parenting, 1999.
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